Two Paths Forward: Accept or Address
If there’s one idea that comes up almost every week in the therapy room, it’s this:
In most difficult situations, we can boil it down to two choices. We can either accept it or address it.
That's it. That’s the whole list. We can spin in our heads for hours, rehashing things while folding laundry or staring at the ceiling. We can rant in the car, plead in our prayers, or complain to our best friend. But eventually, the path forks:
Am I going to accept this or address it?
Both options are powerful. But they serve different purposes, and knowing which one to choose can make all the difference in how we cope, grow, and relate to the people in our lives.
Acceptance Isn’t Surrender
Let’s talk about acceptance first, because it often gets misunderstood.
When I say “accept it,” I don’t mean you have to be okay with what happened. I don’t mean condoning the behavior, or pretending it didn’t hurt, or putting a toxic spin on a painful event by saying “everything happens for a reason.” (Please, let’s retire that phrase.)
What I mean is: you stop fighting reality. You look the situation square in the face and say, “This is real. And it hurts. But it’s real.”
This kind of honesty is incredibly freeing. It allows you to grieve instead of gaslight yourself. It gives your body and mind permission to rest instead of hustle for control. There’s actually a clinical term for this: Radical Acceptance (from Dialectical Behavior Therapy). And the research backs it up. It’s linked to less emotional suffering, better resilience, and more effective coping strategies.
So what does it look like in real life?
You stop replaying the conversation that didn’t go the way you hoped
You grieve the thing you can’t get back
You acknowledge that someone you love might never change the way you wish they would
You give yourself permission to stop managing a situation that was never yours to fix
And that’s where peace often finds its way back in.
Try this:
Write down the sentence: “What I wish were different is…” and finish it honestly.
Then write: “What I can’t control is…” and name it.
Finally: “What I want to let go of today is…” and let that be enough for now.
Addressing Means Doing Something
Then there are times when we don’t need to accept something. We need to do something.
This is the “address it” path.
Maybe it’s a pattern in your marriage that isn’t working.
Maybe it’s a boundary that keeps getting crossed.
Maybe it’s the same conversation with your teenager, or your boss, or your friend group, and you’re starting to resent it.
But it’s not just about interpersonal conflict. Sometimes the thing we need to address is internal. Maybe it’s a habit that’s no longer serving you. A way of thinking that keeps pulling you down. A lifestyle rhythm that’s eroding your energy. In those cases, addressing it might mean:
Building a new morning routine
Committing to regular movement or exercise
Limiting screen time or cutting back on substances
Getting support for your mental health
Making an overdue change in your job, schedule, or sleep patterns
It might feel awkward. You might overthink it. But action, even imperfect action, creates movement. And movement is what gets us unstuck.
What this can look like:
“Hey, can I share something that’s been weighing on me?”
“I’ve noticed this keeps happening, and I want to find a better way forward.”
“I’ve been in a rut, and it’s time to shake things up—even just a little.”
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s clarity. Addressing something well means you’re showing up for yourself and your values—whether that means facing a conversation or creating a healthier rhythm.
The 3MC Rule: A Simple Litmus Test
Now, here’s one of my favorite tools I teach clients. I adapted it from a principle I first heard from Andy Stanley, and it’s stuck with me ever since:
The 3 Mental Conversation Rule.
If you’ve had three mental conversations with someone, the fourth one needs to be out loud.
You know the kind I mean.
In the shower: “Next time she says that, I’ll say this…”
In traffic: “I can’t believe he didn’t text me back again. I should’ve said…”
At night, staring at the ceiling: “What I wish I had said was…”
If you’re on mental conversation #3, it’s time to choose:
Speak it out loud to the person involved
Or release it through journaling, therapy, prayer, or whatever helps you process and move forward
The point is, your head isn’t meant to be a holding tank for every unfinished interaction or hypothetical confrontation. That stuff builds up and steals your peace. If something is worth a fourth conversation, then it’s probably worth a real one. And if not, give yourself permission to move on.
Final Thoughts
Every single day, you’ll face things that are out of your control, unfair, disappointing, confusing, or just plain hard. The question is never whether these things will happen. It’s how you’ll respond when they do.
Will you accept it and do the work of grief and surrender?
Or will you address it with honesty, clarity, and action?
You don’t need to do both. You just need to choose the one that leads to freedom. And the more you practice this kind of discernment, the more peace you’ll make with your reality and the more power you’ll find in your response.