Boundaries Are About Access, Not Punishment
Written by Cody Hanson MS, LPCC-S
If you spend enough time on social media, you might start to think boundaries are mostly about dramatic exits.
Block them.
Cut them off.
Protect your peace.
Delete their number.
Sometimes those actions are necessary. But in therapy, I’ve found that most boundary work is far less dramatic and far more nuanced.
One of the most helpful frameworks I’ve encountered comes from Lysa TerKeurst, who describes boundaries through the lens of access and responsibility:
Don’t give level 10 access to people who demonstrate level 5 responsibility.
That line hits because it names something many of us feel but struggle to articulate.
The problem often isn’t simply that someone hurt us. The deeper issue is that we keep granting them a level of closeness, trust, emotional influence, or authority that their behavior hasn’t earned.
What Is “Access”?
Access is the degree to which someone gets to influence your inner world and your outer life.
It includes things like:
Your time
Your emotional energy
Your vulnerability
Your trust
Your family or children
Your decision-making process
Your physical space
In simple terms: How close do they get?
Not everyone deserves the same level of closeness. That sounds obvious, but many people live as if every relationship should function at the same depth. It shouldn’t. Your barista can have access to your coffee order. Your coworker might have access to your professional thoughts. Your spouse or closest friends may have access to your deepest fears, grief, insecurities, and dreams. Different relationships should have different levels of access.
That isn’t cold.
That’s wisdom.
What Is “Responsibility”?
Responsibility is what someone does with the access they’re given. Can they handle trust well?
Do they demonstrate:
Consistency
Honesty
Emotional maturity
Accountability
Repair when they cause harm
Respect for your “no”
Safety with vulnerable information
In other words: Can they steward closeness well? Because access without responsibility creates damage. A lot of damage.
The Core Boundary Problem
Many people who struggle with boundaries are not actually struggling to identify unhealthy behavior. They see it. They know. They feel it in their nervous system. The struggle is usually this:
They keep offering high levels of access despite repeated evidence of low responsibility.
This happens for all sorts of reasons:
Fear of conflict
Fear of rejection
Guilt
Obligation
Trauma bonding
Family conditioning
Faith misunderstandings
Hope that “this time will be different”
I see this often in therapy. Someone says:
“Every time I open up, they minimize me.”
“Every time I say no, they guilt-trip me.”
“Every time I trust them, they use it against me.”
Then I ask a hard but important question:
Why are they still holding so much access?
That’s not victim-blaming. That’s empowerment. Because while you cannot control someone else’s responsibility, you can adjust their access. That is where boundaries live.
Boundaries Are Not Punishment
This is where people get stuck.
They worry:
“Am I being mean?”
“Am I overreacting?”
“Am I punishing them?”
“Is this unloving?”
Let’s clear something up. Healthy boundaries are not revenge. They are not emotional retaliation. They are not silent punishment. Boundaries simply say:
I am going to align your access with your demonstrated responsibility.
That’s it. Not more. Not less.
If someone repeatedly gossips, they may lose access to private information. If someone repeatedly explodes in anger, they may lose access to emotionally vulnerable conversations. If someone repeatedly disrespects parenting decisions, they may lose access to unsupervised time with your kids. That isn’t cruelty. That’s congruence.
The Spectrum of Access
Boundaries are rarely all-or-nothing.
This is important because people often assume the only options are:
Total access
orNo relationship
That’s rarely true.
Think of access on a spectrum from 1 to 10.
Level 10 Access
This is inner-circle territory.
These people know the real you.
They see:
Your fears
Your struggles
Your wounds
Your dreams
Your failures
They have significant relational influence.
Very few people belong here.
Level 5 Access
These are meaningful but limited relationships.
You care about them.
You engage with them.
But there are limits.
You might avoid discussing highly vulnerable topics or allowing deep influence over major decisions.
Level 1-2 Access
These are highly guarded or highly practical relationships.
Polite.
Respectful.
Limited.
Not every relationship needs to become deep. And some relationships shouldn’t. That includes family sometimes. Yes, I said it. DNA is not the same thing as trustworthiness. Family may create connection. It does not automatically create responsibility.
The Hardest Boundary: Grieving Who Someone Isn’t
Often the hardest part of boundaries isn’t enforcing them. It’s grieving.
Grieving that someone you love cannot currently handle the access you wish they could. That grief can feel brutal. You may deeply wish your parent could be emotionally safe. You may wish your spouse could handle vulnerability better. You may wish your friend could tolerate hard conversations. Sometimes boundaries require accepting reality instead of clinging to potential. That hurts.
Because many of us relate to people based on who they could be rather than who they consistently show themselves to be. Boundaries invite us back to reality. Reality can be painful. But reality is where healing starts.
A Helpful Boundary Question
Here’s a question I often encourage clients to ask:
What level of access does this person’s current behavior support?
Not their promises.
Not their intentions.
Not their apologies alone.
Their patterns. Patterns tell the truth.
Anyone can say:
“I’m sorry.”
“I’ve changed.”
“You can trust me.”
Responsibility is measured through sustained behavior. Not speeches.
(If speeches counted as growth, half of us would be emotionally healed after one podcast episode.)
What Healthy Boundaries Produce
Ironically, boundaries often improve relationships. Why? Because they reduce resentment.
Without boundaries, people often oscillate between:
Over-functioning
People-pleasing
Silent resentment
Emotional explosion
Withdrawal
Boundaries interrupt that cycle. They help you become more honest. More grounded. More peaceful. They allow love to become more sustainable because you stop trying to carry relationships beyond what they can currently hold.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are not walls. Walls keep everyone out. Boundaries are gates. Gates let the right people in at the right level. And gates can open wider when trust grows. They can also narrow when trust is broken.
That isn’t selfish. That’s wisdom.
So if you need a practical framework, remember this:
Access should be earned through responsibility.
Or, in Lysa’s words:
Don’t give level 10 access to people who show level 5 responsibility.
You don’t have to hate someone to adjust access.
You don’t have to villainize them.
You don’t even have to stop loving them.
Sometimes love simply learns to use better gates.